Tiny Eden

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dear Matthew, I like you alot.

Thanks to being in nursing school, I have now had my pants scared off about what can happen if I don't take care of myself. And like most nursing students, I leave class thinking that I actually have every disease and disorder that we discussed that day. That is on top of the ones that I have already been diagnosed with by my doctor. Because of this, I have finally decided to become a little healthier. I disposed of all of my old, expired vitamins and purchased new chewable multivitamins and chewable calcium. I would like to say that the reason why I have not been taking my vitamins is because I have to swallow them, but deep down inside, I know that laziness is the real reason. I can't even blame it on a busy schedule because, honestly, how long does it take to swallow a pill? Well, it actually did take me 5 minutes to swallow a pill one time because I kept gagging on it.

On to the exercise. I work in a gym for Pete's sake. I get a free stinkin membership!!!! The only thing missing is someone physically carrying me to the gym kicking and screaming. I can't use the excuse that it costs too much. I can't say that I don't have 30 minutes in the day to get my tushie on a treadmill or an elliptical machine. Again, laziness. I have no other tangible excuse. Oh, but there is the small fact that I run like Phoebe Buffay and seeing me in workout clothes is like looking at a pipe-cleaner in yoga pants.

Since I have changed my status on Facebook to "engaged to Sam Byram", I have been getting the most charming little ads on the side of my screen that tell me tips on how to lose weight so I can squeeze into the dress of my dreams. I hate to break it to them, but the dress of my dreams will probably have to be taken in 4 sizes. Again, this is my own fault. I find things like eating, drinking water, and peeing to be a waste of time. I have vowed to eat more everyday. But I think I might have gone a little overboard today. I went to Kroger where they had Quaker Quakes Rice Cakes for 10 for $10. So, I bought myself a bag in Kettle Corn flavor. I was looking forward to the sweet yet tinge of salt taste. I live a mile from Kroger. Exactly a mile. I polished off half the bag making my way from my parking spot to the street. I would like to say there was a ton of traffic, but there wasn't. Right after I hit the button on my garage door opener, I stuck my hand into the bag. Crumbs. I ate the entire freaking bag!!!! I looked at the back of the bag and saw that my mile drive munchie is supposed to feed 7 people. SEVEN!!!!!!! I ate 49 mini rice cakes in a mile drive home. Thank goodness they are mostly air. I think that is actually the first ingredient listed on the bag. Air. Yup, it is. I just checked.

I have been reading the book "The Worn Out Woman". It is for the woman whose "life is full but spirit is empty". I have been trying to get my mental health in check, too. Sam is not much a fan of this book, though. Ten minutes after I finished reading a chapter of it last Friday, I changed the message on my cell phone saying that I was taking a mental vacation and that my phone would be shut off until Sunday. Sam made me change the message because he said I sounded like a lunatic in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I don't think he was that far off the mark! Let me clarify, though. My life is full, but my spirit is not empty. I just need something to help it get back on track. I have a whole lot of pent up anger from things that happened too many years ago to even think about, but for some reason, I can't let them go. Which brings me to the title of my blog - something that my mom taught me years and years ago. If you have something to say to someone, write a letter, but don't send it to them. Send it to someone else, like your mom, best friend, sister, etc. This way, you write down what you want to say and get it out of your system and they don't actually get the letter. Well, I have a whole lot of these "Unsent" letters stashed away and there is no need to hold onto old letters that have nothing to do with my current life. We have a garage sale in my neighborhood coming up. Perhaps I can sell them to a woman who has had a bunch of failed relationships in her life so she can send them to one of her old flames.

So, that is my plan. Eat more, exercise more, take vitamins, drink something other than coffee and soda, drink water, enhance my spirit, and rid my life of unnecessary anger, regret, envy, and sadness.

"Dear Jonathan I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time. I used to say the more tragic the better. The truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday." - Alanis Morissette

Saturday, March 14, 2009

What the HELL?!?!?!?!

When Sam asked me to marry him, that was my response to him. And I quote - "What the HELL!?!?!?!?!". I really had no clue that it was going to happen that day. Many people have been asking me to recount that day. So, to make it easier, I am putting it in my blog.

On Saturday, March 7, I had just gotten home from my 12 hour clinicals at Emory when my dad called. He asked if Sam and I would want to go to dinner on Sunday nite to Provino's. This is really not out of the ordinary because at least once a week, my dad comes over or I go to his house and these visits often revolve around food. I agreed that we would meet him at Provino's between 4:45 and 5 pm. I mozied on down the stairs and told Sam that my dad invited us to dinner and Sam started to huff and puff that Sunday is his only day off and yadda, yadda, yadda. He finally agreed to go. Meanwhile, he was the one who asked my dad to invite us out to dinner in the first place! On Sunday, Sam, his mother and myself piled into Sam's car and we headed to the restaurant. We sat down and ordered our food and the meal progressed as normal with Sam eating way too many garlic rolls - so many, that you can usually smell the garlic seeping out of his pores a month later. At the end of the meal, Sam said that he had to go to the bathroom. About 2 minutes after he got up, the waitstaff came over with an ice cream sundae and started singing Happy Birthday to me. Well, my birthday is in December, so I was beyond baffled. I assumed that it was my dad's doing because nothing makes him happier than embarrassing people in public whether or not there is a birthday to be celebrated! I just sat there with a puzzled look on my face while glaring at my dad. When they were done humiliating me by singing for my non-existent birthday, Sam popped out from around the corner and tapped me on the shoulder and said,"Hey" in a Kermit the Frog-ish voice. When I turned around, he got down on one knee and I just said,"What the HELL!?!?!?!?!". I put my head in my hands and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. The funny part is that all of Sam's friends asked if I was going to cry and he told them I wouldn't because I am not the crying type. He gave me a lovely little speech that I did not really hear a word of because I was sobbing and then he put the ring on my finger. I love it. It is beautiful. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of. Sam did such a great job planning and implementing that day. Can you tell that I am in nursing school with my planning and implementing vocabulary???? I will never ever forget the feeling that I had at that moment. Not many things are really a true, genuine surprise. I was shocked!

While I do love my ring, I love even more the person that gave it to me and what it means. Before I met Sam, I had several bad relationships that often left me feeling as though I would never find my other half. I fell in love with Sam before we even started dating. He treated me and spoke to me in a way that no one has ever done before. I kind of knew that he would make a great "other half" right from the beginning!

On to the wedding planning. We are thinking Fall 2010 in New York, perhaps. I spent a whopping 10 minutes online looking at a wedding website when I my head started to spin and I went in to full panic mode! There is so much stuff that goes into wedding planning! You have your date, the venue, the menu, the bride's dress, the wedding party's dresses, the colors, the invites, the save-the-dates, the thank you cards, the photographer, the dj, the favors, the shoes, the hair, the makeup, the underwear, the honeymoon. And most importantly, the money!!!! I am still waiting for the wedding fairy to come and drop off a filled out wedding planner and a stack of bridal magazines. She hasn't made it here yet. I wonder what's keeping her???

"I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever." - Amy Tan