Tiny Eden

Monday, May 23, 2016

If I knew then what I know now.....

Dearest Marisa,

            If I knew then what I know now, I would tell you to make Sam's favorite: eggplant parmesan at least every other week.  Stop worrying about if the house is clean enough and snuggle on the couch next to Sam instead.  Put your pride aside, stop sulking in your bedroom because you are pissed off about something that does not even matter - go downstairs, say you are sorry for getting angry, and accept that 6 second hug that Sam loved to give.  Get off your phone, stop looking at Facebook, Pinterest, or whatever other stupid thing you are looking at.  When Sam asks you why you are on your phone so much after work, don't answer that it is because you have spent your whole shift at work talking and zipping around and you just want to veg.  Put your phone down and talk with him.  When Sam says you should wear your bikini to the pool because you are beautiful and you have a great shape, don't laugh at him.  Tell him thank you and wear it.  Stop groaning when he asks you to make his Scandi shakes and do it, knowing that you are helping him.   Quit saying you aren't in the mood.  That excuse is getting too old just because you don't feel comfortable in your own skin.  Go to the movies and have fun, even the scary ones.  Except SAW 1 through 8,000.  Those are ridiculous and you definitely do not have to watch them.  Don't put your hair in a ponytail or bun every. single. day.  It does not matter that your hair isn't perfectly straight.  Sam loved it when I first woke up in the morning and it was au naturale.  I would look past my headache on Labor Day 2014 and we would take Owie to the pool instead of telling Sam that by next summer he would have his new lungs and we would be able to splash around.  I would pick up on how upset he was about that and put my bikini on and go.  Put the freaking heels on.  He just wants to see you in something other than sneakers.  Pack a lunch, drive to Sam's job and meet him for lunch.  It made his heart happy to spend his lunch hour with you.  Even though Owen's first Christmas did not go as planned, tell him it was the best Christmas ever just because you got to spend it with the 2 most important people in your life.  Don't tell him it was the worst ever.  Instead of telling him you love him 50 times a day, tell him 51 times a day.  Fight for him, encourage him, hug him, and kiss him even more.  Take the time to comfort him and let him be scared instead of him always having to comfort you.  Live in the moment.  Live in each and every moment no matter how big or small.  Who cares what the lawn looks like?  Stop throwing a hissy fit because the mower won't start.......ever.  Go on more vacations.    Make bacon cheese toast, crepes, waffles, and bagel chips.  Sam loves your bagel chips and he asks for them all the time.  Quit telling him that they are too hard to make.  Make them and he will be so surprised when he gets home from work.  Get out of your comfort zone.  Have that second glass of wine or that 3rd Bloody Mary.  Close your eyes and absorb the feeling of every hug, every kiss, every touch.  Memorize the sweet sound of his voice and cherish each I love you.  Don't be afraid to show him just how much love you have in your heart.  Stop waiting.  Just do what your heart tells you today and every day until December 2, 2014.

Everything is not ok, great, grand, perfect, and whatever else you try to make people think it is.  Tell people that you hurt and that you don't feel like doing something.  When you are lonely, scared, and feel like the rug is being pulled out from under you, call someone and let them know you need a shoulder.  Don't hide your feelings and suppress your grief.  Your reality won't hit and your grief won't strike until May 2016, but others will think you should be finishing up your grieving process, not just starting it.  It is ok for Owen to see you cry.  Quit saying that feelings are overrated just because you are afraid to show others that you have them.  You do.  They are very real.  And you need to acknowledge them.

Love yourself.  Take care of yourself.  You are going to have a bumpy road.  Keep taking it one day at a time.  You can do it and you will do it.  If I knew then what I know now.........

Love always,