Project Week 1 of 52: Frames and Buns

I really enjoyed this first week.  There were several things that I tried, but I am narrowing it down to just 2 things to post about because I am sure there will be a week when I can't try something.  The 2 things I did this week that I am writing about.......the "I Love You Because..." dry erase board and the Sock Bun.

First, the dry erase board.  This was a really fun project and the part that I had the most difficulty with was finding my color scheme and realizing that I did not have a whole lot of patterned paper, so I need to work on that!  I splurged on a Cricut Expression this past November and those things are pretty stinking expensive so I am trying to get some use out of it so that I can justify purchasing it.  It is a really fun little gadget and I have gotten some use out of it, but I not nearly as much as I should.  I got the idea on Pinterest from a posting from this blog .  It is a really cute idea and you can hang it on the wall or put it on a counter or table with the stand on the back of the frame.  From this idea, I have come up with a few other ideas, but I have not made them yet and they are gifts for other people so until they get them, I don't want to post them.  I was a little weary as to how it would go with the dry erase marker - I was unsure if it was actually going to erase completely or just get smudgy.  But it is great!  Take a peek:

The next project was the Sock Bun.  I have massive amounts of very thick hair, so again, kind of weary about this one as well.  But, Sam liked it and so did I.  I was kind of bummed because I did it a nite before work so I had to wear it in a ponytail and I did not get to keep it down.  I did have to add some product to my hair because I also have a tad bit of a frizz issue.  This idea was from this blog .  I definitely recommend trying it.  There is also a link to the video on how to do it.  Looks like it would be difficult, but if I could do it, anyone can :-)

So those, my friends, are my Pinterest projects for the week.  Please let me know if you would like me to make one of the I Love You Because... signs.  They can be customized by color and I have several other graphics that I can use.  I am selling them for $10.00.  If you are interested, email me at marisa1221ATgmail.com or comment on my blog here, or message me on Facebook.  Remember that 15% of all of my profits will be donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  Don't forget to tell your friends and family about my blog and become a member!  Happy Saint Patrick's Day to all!!!!

"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -- a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic."

"May you have: A world of wishes at your command. God and his angels close to hand. Friends and family their love to impart, and Irish blessings deep in your heart!"

The Pinterest Project - Combining Crafts and a Cure

I have to say that I am rather proud of myself for not going on to Facebook too much as well as not going onto Pinterest as much.  During the past few weeks, I have actually been productive and I have gotten alot of stuff done that I have wanted to do.  Sam finally came home after being in the hospital for 2 1/2 weeks.  The final diagnosis was a broken rib.  It had been like that for over a month.  They realized that there was not much that could be done in the hospital that he couldn't do at home.  Except for the morphine drip.  He came home with some new medications and quite a bit of new equipment.  Here is hoping for a speedy recovery so he can be ready for tennis again soon. 

On to my brilliant idea.  I am starting my Pinterest project - combining crafts and a cure.  For the next 52 weeks, I am going to be posting a blog each week about things that I have tried from Pinterest.  This will range from recipes, cleaning tips, crafts, fitness tips and anything else that might pop up on there.  I will try these out and then post how successful or unsuccessful I was.  So where does the "combining crafts and a cure" come in?  Any of the crafts that I make, I will also be replicating to sell.  I will donate 15% of the profits to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation.  This way, I can combine my love for crafting with my passion for raising money and awareness about cystic fibrosis as well as helping to find a cure for this awful disease.  There might be some weeks where I don't do a craft and just try tips.  Also, I will be featuring some of my own original craft projects with some tips from Pinterest.  The CF Foundation is working so hard to raise money in order to fund these drug trials which could potentially save my husband's life as well as give the generation of patients that I take care of a whole new lease on life.  Money buys science which in turn buys life.  The CF Foundation has spent millions of dollars as well as Vertex Pharmaceuticals.  Their recent drug discovery of Kalydeco has done wonders for the CF population with the gene that it targets.  The CF Foundation has done something AMAZING!  For more information regarding this fabulous organization, please visit www.cff.org . 

I will post my first Pinterest blog on Friday.  As I am typing this, I have my hair in a sock bun.  Hopefully it will turn out as planned.  Stay tuned for Friday when I will have my first of many Pinterest successes and fails.  Hopefully more successes than fails.  Thanks for checking out my blog and feel free to share it with your friends and family!

“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~Marcus Aurelius

"When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you...... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you." ~Marcus Aurelius

"It has been said that we need just three things in life: Something to do, Something to look forward to, And someone to love." ~Marcus Aurelius

If I Could Save Time In A Bottle........

As always, things are crazy, including me.  In the past, I have had some issues with anxiety and right now it appears to be rearing its ugly head.  I hate driving and the anxiety has gotten worse.  It is holding me back from doing all of the normal things that people my age do, including having a social life.  I have anxiety at work, which I guess is normal.  Being that I am responsible for carrying out acts that could cause potentially harmful effects, most people would probably have anxiety.  There is also anxiety about our house, what needs to be done to it, is it clean enough, will we ever be able to make all of the changes that we need to.  Anxiety over money - are we spending wisely, are we budgeting correctly, do we have enough to do the repairs that we are hoping to do.  Adoption anxiety is another anxiety that I have.  When will I know that we are ready to adopt, what if we don't bond with the baby we are given, or if the mom bonds with the baby and we end up not getting it?  What if when we do get a baby, it cries all of the time non-stop and I never get to sleep again?  What if we end up not being able to afford to adopt?  Am I going to be a doggy mommy for the rest of my life?  Why don't I feel like I am ready to adopt now?  I am 33 - isn't it about time that I became a mother?  Then there is the whole cystic fibrosis thing.  I cannot even begin to talk about the anxiety that causes.  Is there something in the house that is making Sam sicker?  Is the house clean enough?  Will Sam lose his job from having to be in the hospital?  Obviously I have other much more serious anxieties about Sam and his cystic fibrosis, but I don't really want to get into that now.  Now, I know everyone suffers from anxiety.  I just have a tendency to really harp on mine and to let it get the best of me. 

Poor Sam has been in the hospital now for about a week and a half.  His diagnosis, besides the CF?  A previously undiagnosed broken rib.  The poor guy had it for over a month before they were able to figure it out.  It didn't show up on his chest x-ray and it was overlooked by several doctors because they were all looking at his lungs thinking something was wrong with those.  So, after being in the hospital for 5 days having an epidural, and still no relief, they noticed the rib.  Apparently, there were 3 others that have already healed on the right side.  This broken one is on the left.  Right now, he is still attached to a PCA pump and the morphine seems to be doing the trick.  Not sure how long he will be in there for, but hopefully he will be home with the dogs and myself soon. 

I cannot even begin to tell you how annoyed I am with myself.  The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning?  Look at my e-mail and Facebook on my iPhone.  Throughout the day, I cannot even tell you how many times I look at it.  On my days off, I waste hours on end on the internet looking at Facebook, checking e-mails, pinning things on Pinterest, researching new projects for me to start, etc.  Who am I kidding?  I waste so much time on the internet, how am I going to have the time to start new projects.  Plus, in the past few weeks, it has gotten worse.  We now have DVR.  What was I thinking?  Yet another way for me to waste time.  When we got it, my thoughts were that I could record the things that I like to watch and then watch them when it is convenient.  In turn, that ended me DVR-ing everything and then spending any time that I am not on the internet, catching up on my tv shows.  I know what you are thinking.  In the first paragraph, you said you have all of this anxiety about what needs to be done around the house, but yet you are wasting all your time on the internet.  That is where my issue comes in.  Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with everything that I have to do, I go into "shut-down mode".  I miss the days of no cell phones.  I feel like it is constantly ringing, dinging, or vibrating.  Sometimes I just don't want to be found.  I don't want to talk, I don't want to text.  But since the cell phone came about, it is considered rude to not answer the phone or text back right away.  I don't like having access to the internet and my e-mail all of the time.  Sam has a dinosaur of a phone and sometimes I am very envious.  It makes phone calls and he can text.  That is it.  I feel like if I don't answer my phone or reply to a text, I have to give them a reason - ie. sorry, my phone was on silent, I didn't hear my phone, I was in another room and I didn't hear it, I was in the shower, I was in the bathroom, etc.  How about I just didn't feel like talking.  And God forbid you turn your phone off.  My mom always used to tell me how much she hated cell phones because she didn't want to be accessible 24/7.  I used to think she was being ridiculous.  Now I understand where she is coming from.  When I was younger, I used to have hobbies and do things that were enjoyable.  Thanks to technology and my lack of self control, I waste way too much time.  One of the things I want to work on this year is having a little more discipline when it comes to time management and just because the phone rings, dings, or vibrates, it does not mean that I need to answer it regardless of who it is. 

That pretty much sums up what has been going on.  If you call, and I don't answer, please do not be offended.  I am just weaning myself from the ridiculous amount of technology that I have become way too dependent on.  Off I go to spend some quality times with the pups and get some cleaning done before I have to go to work tomorrow!
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"If you don't fill your days with love, you are wasting your life." ~James Broughton

"Life is not a spectator sport.  If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life." ~Jackie Robinson

Welcome 2012!

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a joyous holiday season. Christmas is one of my favorite holidays because I find peace and comfort in the decorations, I love the music, and it is a time to gather with my family to celebrate. It is also a time to reflect and remember. Christmas morning 2008, my grandma passed away. I remember spending Christmas with her and the joy and delite she took in opening each gift. No matter how big or small, she always appreciated the gifts she received. After opening each gift, phrases such as, "Oh, Linda, it's just beautiful!", "Now where did you catch that?", and "That is just stunning." Every once in a while, she would throw in a, "I'm going to knock you one. This is too much. You should not have done that." But we never got knocked. We only got endless amounts of hugs and kisses. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her.

This year, Sam and I went to NY to celebrate DeCola/de la Garza style. We had a great time with the kids, but unfortunately, they did have the sniffles and caught a stomach virus. Eeeeek! Thankfully, everyone is back to normal and Sam and I came home sniffle and virus free. While we were home, we got to meet my dear friend Kim's baby. He is so adorable! We went to see the tree with Kathleen in the city, and I had lunch with Lisa. My mom and I did our usual stroll on Grand Ave on Christmas Eve, a tradition that we didn't even realize had become one. We went for lunch and we were able to catch up, just the two of us, while my dad, Gramps, and Sam watched the GIANTS-Jets game. Go GIANTS by the way. Mom and I went to the Chinese market that is not too far from our house called Great Wall. There were some interesting things swimming around in tanks and we debated buying them all and setting them free at Jones Beach. Everyone else had the traditional fish dinner and I had chicken. Stina and I wrote her letter to Santa and I wrote Matthew's letter for him. On Christmas, it looked like Santa's sleigh exploded at our house, leaving all of the world's presents under our tree. My family is incredibly generous. So is my husband. I am typing this blog on my new computer. I think Sam got tired of my meltdowns between old computers and really awful internet connections. The computer issue was solved! Each time I go up there, it makes me miss it just a little bit more. New York really is the greatest place on earth and I cannot wait to go back!

While we were living it up in NYC, Sam's mom stayed at our house to babysit her four legged furry grandkids. I was expecting to get a million phone calls begging us to save her from our 2 looney toons, but she said she had a great time. I guess anyone who survived my husband as a child can handle 2 rambunctious puppies.

So what does 2012 have in store for the Byram's? Let's see. We are planning on a few more minor renovations in our house as well as continuing with our Happiness Project. The focus of having a baby is kind of going to be put on the back burner for now. It is more of a source of sadness for us than happiness, so until the time is right, that is going to be on hold. Sam is gearing up for his busy season at work as a CPA. If you need your taxes done, let me know! I am hoping to follow in my sister's footsteps and attempt to make money from my hidden talents. Every year at Christmas, I would make baskets filled with goodies for Sam's family, so I am hoping to do that as well as add some paper goods into the mix. I have been loving my new Cricut machine and I have been spending some of my free time making stationary, gift tags, and decorations for our home. During this year, I am also hoping to increase my confidence as a nurse and achieve some professional goals that I have set for myself.

Here's to putting a year of many mixed emotions to rest. 2011 was the year Matthew was brought into our lives, but the year of a failed IVF. I said goodbye to my best friend Cheyenne, but gained two crazy, wild girls Phoebe and Lulu, got my CPN certification, gained some new friends, but separated myself from some old ones. Hoping everyone has a 2012 filled with love, health, and happiness, a well as more good times than bad. Hugs to all!

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." ~Oprah Winfrey

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Give Thanks!

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday EVER! There is something about it that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. And, no, it is not from the large quantities of wine consumed. I have been feeling this way for years, way before I could drink wine. The past few years, though, I have kind of felt badly for Thanksgiving. People go straight from celebrating Halloween directly to singing Fa-la-la-la-la. What happened to the whole gobble, gobble, pilgrims, Indians, stuffing, pumpkin pie? It is so disappointing! I will be working on Thanksgiving again this year, which really stinks, but Sam and I decided to have not one, but two Friendsgiving celebrations at our house so this way I would not miss out on the fun. One thing that I will not get to do, though, is go up to The Christmas Tree Shoppe and Stew Leonard's with my family in NY the day after Thanksgiving. That is always one of my favorite parts. Another reason why I love Thanksgiving so much is because I get to think back and reflect on everything that I have in my life. Here are just a few!

A girl could not ask for a better family! We have had our ups and downs years ago, but we have always stuck together. This will be my nephew's first Thanksgiving and I am sad that I will miss it, but I am so thankful that he is in our lives. My niece is my competition for being the center of attention, so I am thankful that she will be providing the family entertainment when I am not there. Stina really does take after me! My mom and dad are the best parents. They have always been supportive of me and have loved me even through all of the really bad choices I have made in life. They have been my providers and have given me what I needed to be where I am today, but they have not just handed me things. Instead of just buying me a house, for example, they instilled a strong work ethic in me and gave me the tools I need in order for Sam and myself to buy our own house. My sister is my go to gal for advice. Dana is a great sister, mother, daughter, and wife, but mostly, she is a phenomenal friend. Brian, my brother in law, helps keep me grounded. Whenever I get mad and pout, he is usually the only person who can get me to see things in a better lite. Gramps is my heart and soul. There are no words to describe how much I love him. Even though Grams has been an angel for almost 3 years now, I am thankful for the never ending love that she provided. She has always been my biggest cheerleader and I miss her more and more everyday. Even though I have not spoken to my father's parents in about 17 years, I am thankful for them. They have taught me the importance of forgiveness. I forgive them for disliking me for no reason. After struggling for years with trying to reach out to them and gain their love, I have come to peace with the fact that there is nothing I can do to make them love me and I forgive them for that.

I am thankful for the 10 years I got to spend with my baby girl Cheyenne. She taught me how to really love and showed me unconditional love as well as taught me responsibility. There is a special place in my heart that is reserved just for her. Phoebe and Lulu have shown me that I have room in my heart to love another dog. Their antics and quirks keep Sam and I laughing (and cleaning) non-stop. I am so glad that we found each other.

My friends, new and old, are the best. While I don't get to see my friends from New York nearly as much as I would like, when I am up there, we are able to pick up where we left off. They got me thru the awkward years of high school, as well as college. I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again - I'll be home for Christmas, girls! My OLH friends have been around since I was 4 years old and I am thankful that, even after all of this time, I am still able to count on them. It is amazing to see how many of my former classmates have kids - I remember sitting in kindergarten with these people! I love it! My Georgia friends are great. Many have been around since my days in GSU, and some have just been added to the friends roster recently. Either way, they provide lots of laughs and good times. Lucky for me, I work with many of them, so every day at work is filled with smiles and laughs.

Nursing has been my dream for years. I am thankful to CHOA and all of my coworkers for helping to make my dream even more of a reality. After a rough start, I have found my comfort zone and I appreciate my co-workers for helping me to get settled there. CHOA has given me opportunities to grow professionally and I am so grateful for that. Through my job, we have health insurance and I get a paycheck that provides for us.

Our house might be on the older side, but I am so thankful that we can call it ours. It keeps us dry and warm on cold rainy nites and cool and shaded on hot, harsh days. It might be a little outdated, but it aids in providing the meals that keep us nourished, has a nice warm bed, and running water. I think it is a great place. We are working on updating it, but it will take some time and money.

My health is something that I often take for granted and I have realized that it is not a luxury that everyone has. I am thankful for the fact that I can get up and go every morning. For the past few weeks, I have been taking care of myself a little bit better than I have been in the past and I already notice a difference.

Well, I think that covers it all! Just kidding!

SAM! How thankful I am for a husband like Sam. If they ever do another remake of Superman, I think they should base it on a day in the life of Sam. Sam is my partner, cheerleader, provider, but mostly my best friend! He has gotten me thru the ups and downs of 2011 and I know that he will be there for me holding my hand thru 2012. There is one word that I think describes Sam better than any other - HUMBLE. Everyday, he gets up, does his treatments, and goes to work. Very rarely does he complain about it. But yet he is always there to pick up the pieces when I fall apart. He works so hard to take care of himself, not only for him, but for me. Everything that he has, he has worked hard for and earned. I am thankful for everything that he has taught me. Sam has taught me to appreciate the little things in life, to not take the privilege of breathing easily for granted, and to always see the positive side of situations and never give up - EVER! I love the life I have with him!

On to some other things that have happened since my last blog. On November 9th, I became a CPN - certified pediatric nurse. This was an amazing opportunity that my employer provided for me and I am so glad that I seized it. It is more than just another bunch of letters after my name. It is about having even more confidence in myself when I go to work everyday, set an example for the nursing students that come to our floor, and achieving a lifelong dream and goal. That's what those 3 simple letters are doing for me.

I have also learned a valuable lesson in friendship. A sorority sister of mine, Katie, passed away last weekend. Katie had such a beautiful spirit and a smile and laugh that would lite up the room. I have many fond memories with her and I am regretful of the fact that we drifted after college. We were able to reconnect thru Facebook and I really wish we would have carried out the promise of "We should get together sometime". Heaven gained a beautiful angel and I am sure her wings are just as brite as her smile.

Another lesson that I have learned is about respecting myself as much as I respect other people. I am always so concerned about hurting other people and I often end up being the one that is hurt. Friendships don't always last. It would be nice if they did, but they don't; it's sad but true. People change, relationships change, jobs, life happens, marriage, kids, for whatever the reasons. I have spent time evaluating my relationships and, believe it or not, I don't have time to chase after people. One sided friendships are not good. There cannot just be one person making the phone calls and reaching out. It has to be 2 ways. I know that my friendship should not be the center of any one's universe. I get that, but to purposefully drum up bad feelings and if you know that some one's IVF didn't work, don't make them feel worse about it. I am guilty of not always being a great friend and now that I have been on the receiving end, I apologize to anyone that I might have hurt in the past, but I hope that I have never purposefully hurt someone or had a sense of self-importance. Feeling like you have been replaced is never a good feeling.

Here is hoping that all of my readers have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Spend some time thinking about things that you can be thankful for. Reflect on some of the luxuries that you take for granted everyday. Look at the people that are surrounding you and be grateful they are in your life. Reach out to a friend who you haven't spoken to in a while and let them know that you are thankful for him/her. Also, if you are spending your Thanksgiving at home, either yours or someone else's, be grateful that you are with loved ones and not in the hospital, homeless, deployed, or working. But MOST importantly - Don't forget to wear your elastic waistband buffet pants!!!! Happy Eatin', Guys!

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Thanksgiving is the holiday of peace, the celebration of work and the simple life... a true folk-festival that speaks the poetry of the turn of the seasons, the beauty of seedtime and harvest, the ripe product of the year - and the deep, deep connection of all these things with God." ~Ray Stannard Baker (David Grayson)

This, too, shall pass.

It's official. I am out of tears. And thank goodness because I go back to work tomorrow. It still hurts, very badly, but today I ran some errands and I was not glaring at pregnant women and giving nasty looks to women with children. Not that I actually did that. Well, maybe I did it a few times. But it was not obvious. I don't think.

So what now? Sam and I are kind of torn on our next plan of action. There's one of three things we can do. 1. Start looking into adoption and pray that CF does not manage to weasel its ugly head in the middle. 2. Try another round of IVF (I think Sam might be leaning towards this more than I am). 3. Save our pennies and get some nice cars, fix up our house, spoil the dogs, and get a ton of plastic surgery. There are always the illegal options number 4 and 5 which would make a great Lifetime movie. 4. Steal someone else's. 5. Obtain baby via the black market. Obviously we will not be going the 4 or 5 route, but if we did, I just ask that someone attractive plays me. Doesn't need to be a good actress, I would settle with Angie Harmon. I am definitely leaning towards option 1. The side effects of the medications that I was taking were just plain wicked. The shots were painful, I have painful lumps on my rear that I hear will probably never go away, a few pounds were added, although I did appreciate being able to actually fit into a Victoria's Secret bra, and I became really mean. One day, I got into a scuffle with someone that I don't even know via Facebook status postings. Really? Who does that? WHO DOES THAT? A woman who is getting a 1 1/2" 22 gauge needle filled with a very thick progesterone oil in her rump every nite. That's who!

Since I have started writing about my infertility issues and all of the humps and bumps we have hit, I have heard from so many people telling me about their journeys. While I could see how packed my dr's office was every time I went, I had no clue how many people I was connected were fighting the same awful battle we were. One of my sorority sister's even offered to be an egg donor for me. If that is not a selfless act, I don't know what is. My sister offered to do anything she needed to do, just shy of offering me one of her little humans. Little does she know, I would have gladly accepted the offer of either my niece or nephew.

The hardest part of the whole process, besides realizing that I will not be having a baby, has been having to tell people that it did not work. I was supposed to work on Saturday and Sunday, but I did not think it would be the safest choice for me to go to work. I am not sure how my assistant manager was able to understand what I was saying when I called on Friday, but apparently she speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language because she managed to have a 10+ minute conversation with me. I am not sure I even understood what I was saying. I was hoping to go into work on Sunday, but when I called in on Saturday nite and started hysterically crying again, I was reassured that I was making the correct, and safe, decision to not go in on Sunday. Apparently, Lindsey speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language, too.

So how did Sam handle all of this news? He is my rock. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have him in my life. Sam left work early and did what any husband would do. Threw me in the car and said we were going someplace special. And where was this someplace special? The nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. The last time I got a manicure and pedicure was the day before our wedding, so it was about time. $110 later (Sam got a mani/pedi, too), I had great looking hands and toes, but still no baby. I felt a little better though and I appreciated the sympathetic look Sam gave me when the manicurist asked me if anything exciting happened today. Not wanting to start the whole water works process again, I politely answered no. It amazes me just how sweaty and smelly one gets just from crying non-stop. It probably took Sam a lot of time and courage to work up the nerve to physically throw me in the shower on Saturday. Think Pigpen from Peanuts. Then he politely handed me my toothbrush while I was in there and told me that all of that crying and sweating might have made me just a tad bit on the sniffy side.

To get some fresh air, we went to the dog park. It is always relaxing to bring the dogs there to play and run around like lunatics. Especially if your smaller dog is overly possessive and attacks every dog that comes with 25 feet of you. Much of our time was spent apologizing for our 4 legged Jaws. And then we decided to go to the movies - Sam even let me choose the movie - did he really have a choice? So, we went to see the movie every woman should see after a failed IVF attempt. A movie about a woman who juggles her busy work schedule and trying to raise her children. Something I might never have to do. Either way, it was a good movie and Sam was a great sport for going. In retrospect, probably not the best choice of movies, but I got a good laugh.

Little by little, things will get back to normal. This I know. The dogs coats will eventually be dry again - they have been great pillows/tissues. Unfortunately, the dog training went down the tubes this week. So much for them not being allowed on the couch. I mean, it was either them on the couch or me on the floor so they could console me. By the way, if anyone is looking for a good dog trainer, let me know. I highly recommend the trainer we have been using - Sonia from Dog Training in Your Home. Her website is www.betterdog.com She worked with our budget and gave us a huge discount because we rescued our dogs. Sonia comes to our house which I think is a huge benefit because they are trained in the environment they are in the most. You can tell that she really loves the dogs she is working with and has a huge passion for it.

Being that my last 2 blogs have been so blah, I wanted to focus on some of the positives - Sam is still continuing to kick some major tail in tennis, his PFT's went up, and his PICC line was removed today. Yippee! Also, his doctor agreed to write a letter in order to help with the adoption process stating that there is no reason why Sam would not be able to raise a child to adulthood. That is huge in so many ways!

I am also extremely proud of my sister who is in the process of jump starting a business called Sugarbaby Sweets. This is something that we have both been talking about for quite a few years and she actually has the dedication and drive to carry it out. Dana has some great ideas and is extremely creative, so if you are looking for some homemade sweets and treats as party favors or in the market for some pies for Thanksgiving, she is the way to go. Her email is dixiekitty476@aoldotcom (just trying to keep the spammers away - just to clarify it is actually aol.com). I am planning on using my October Happiness Project to kind of get my stuff in order and hopefully get my own little version of a business up and running.

Thanks for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. We will keep everyone updated.

"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pain, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures." ~Joseph Addison

"Avoid being impatient. Remember time brings roses." ~Unknown

Hello, God. Can you hear me?

"Congratulations, Mrs. Byram! Your progesterone level was perfect and your HCG level was thru the roof. You are pregnant!". Those were the words I had been praying to hear when my phone rang at 1:34 on Friday, September 23. Instead, I heard, "Hello, Marisa? This is Dr. Elsner. Are you at work? Well, I have your results here and they are not good. We really thought it was going to work." After that, I am not really sure what she said. She just kept talking and talking and I just wanted to hang up. I managed to keep my composure for the 3 minute 40 second long phone conversation, but as soon as I hung up, my world crashed. For the past week, I just knew that it was good news. Every 40 minutes to an hour, I was peeing. Never before had I consumed so much water. The low grade fever I had just had to be from the fact that my metabolism sped up in order to compensate for the 1 or 2 new lives that were getting acquainted inside my uterus.

On the morning of September 12, as I was getting off I-85 at North Druid Hills waiting to make the left turn at the lite, I had a conversation with God. I do this all of the time. But this time there was desperation in my voice and I was actually speaking out loud. I thought maybe this would help get my point across a little more thoroughly. God, please don't let my egg transfer be today. It has only been 3 days, so that means that my embryos aren't very strong if they need to go in today. If they do need to go in today, please make sure they are strong enough to survive. I would rather get a phone call saying that none of the embryos survived and that we can't do a transfer at all instead of getting a call 12 days later that I am not pregnant. Please work with me on this.

September 12 was 10 years to the day that I got Cheyenne, so I knew that it had to be a lucky day. Sam and I were in the procedure room waiting for the transfer when I told him that Cheyenne was going to make this happen. The doctor came in and asked if we wanted 1 or 2 embryos transferred and we decided on 2. The thought of us having not just one, but 2 babies was just riveting. My eyes filled with tears as I watched these 2 little microscopic blobs make themselves comfortable. I clutched my St. Gerard medal that I wore around my neck and asked him to make these 2 little embryos strong enough to survive and give them the chance they deserve as well as give Sam and I the chance the parents we have longed to be.

For the next 12 days that followed, I did everything that I was supposed to do. I avoided caffeine, stayed off my feet for long periods of time, ate healthily, took my shots, took my vitamins, drank only water and juice, switched to decaf coffee, you name it, I did it. But mostly, I talked to them. I told them that when they made their arrival into the world, we had a great bedroom for them with a wonderful view of the back yard. I told them that they could be whatever they wanted to be when they got older and that their dad and I would support them. We had not just one, but 2 dogs who were going to give them kisses and play fetch with them. If there was a girl in there, I was going to become the girliest girl around and I was going to dress her in fun, pretty dresses, teach her how to do her makeup, take her shopping and teach her how to find all the good sales. If there was a boy in there, I was going to be "sports mom". I would find out the rules to whatever sport he wanted to play and become good at it. He would be a momma's boy, but he would know how to cook, clean, and do the laundry. He would grow up to learn to be a gentleman and buy a girl flowers before dates, open doors, and say and do all the right things. Whether it was a girl or a boy, they would be a GIANTS fan and their dad would teach them to play tennis. I will always hug them and kiss them before they got out of the car for school even if it was embarrassing because that is what mom's do.

The fact that I won't get to feel a baby kick for the first time, hear a hearbeat or 2 for the first time, get morning sickness, stretch marks, swollen ankles, swollen feet, have people ask when I'm due or if I know if it is a girl or a boy beyond saddens me. For people who say that you aren't missing much have obviously never had trouble conceiving.

The doctor and the company that we used came highly recommended to us by many people. Through out this whole process, I have said that I was less than impressed with them. I never saw the same doctor because my doctor was always out of the country or at a family reunion with every appointment that I had. The nurse was very cold and matter of fact - not that she needed to be warm and fuzzy all of the time, but this is a very scary process so a little bit of compassion would be somewhat appreciated. These are complaints that I have had during this entire process, so I really don't want people to think that I am saying this because I am disgruntled. When we are paying over $20,000 for a procedure that is not guaranteed, the least we could ask for is consistency, kindness, and compassion.

My family, friends, and co-workers have been very supportive. There were people at work who gave up cancellation dates for me, everyone was saying a ton of prayers and sending positive thoughts, and were just genuinely excited. It was not just Sam and myself who were going thru this process, it was everyone that we knew who was going thru it with us. We were not the only ones who were let down by this. Granted, there were some people whose religious beliefs don't agree and it was evident to me the lack of sincerity that was there, but that is all right. That is what makes the world go round. If they were in our shoes, they would probably think differently. Everything changes once you are the person who can't have a child. We know there are other options out there for us. As soon as our hearts heal, we will be looking into those. We are very understanding of the fact that when a child is adopted, you love them just as if they were biologically yours. But I think it is understandable that we will be grieving the fact that we won't have a little being that has Sam's eyes and nose, my feet and sense of humor, I won't physically experience pregnancy, nor will we ever know what we could have created together. My faith is a little shaken at the moment as I think many people's would be.

I know God has a plan for us and that everything happens for a reason, but it is not what we want to hear right now. Please just pray that we get the guidance and strength we need to get thru this. In the meantime, I will be turning my attention back to my Happiness Project in October. This is just the kind of distraction that I need. It will help my heart to heal. Perhaps we will make the adoption process our goal one month. You never know.

"We must accept finite dissapointment, but never lose infinite hope." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith." ~ St Francis of Assisi