1,095. That's how many days it has been since I held Sam's warm hand. Yet, the items that Sam left behind in our house remained untouched with the exception of a drawer, his oxygen, and medications. The oxygen and his medications were gone the following day. They had no room in our house or our lives anymore. They overstayed their visit, although I was grateful for them because they helped keep Sam alive.
This year has been filled with some ups and downs. I finally graduated in June ~ while it was rough, I kept going because I knew it was something that Sam would want me to do. Also, I wanted Owie to look back later in life when he might be going through difficult times and use it as inspiration. I went back to school in August 2015 so that kept my mind very much pre-occupied. Most days off from work were spent responding to discussion questions, doing homework assignments, and writing papers. Part of me felt as though I missed a ton of time with Owen because I was always working - either at work, housework, or schoolwork. Hopefully, I did it early enough in life that he won't remember, but he did get the benefit of extra Papa time.
Once I was done with school, my family came down for the summer. It was a ton of fun to have everyone here. My mom, sister, niece and nephew flew down to Georgia from New York. I was able to get some time off from work, so we drove to my condo (Cardinal's Cove) in Hilton Head and spent the week there. Brian, my brother-in-law, flew down to meet us. We celebrated Sam's birthday there with homemade eggplant parmesan followed by a wonderful fireworks display that I am pretty sure was so grand and beautiful that Sam was able to see it from heaven. Much of our time there was spent at the beach, shopping, eating, and just spending time together. Each year that has gone by has made me realize just how important it is to spend time with the ones that we love and to truly cherish them.
Although I was able to convince my sister to stay a little bit longer and then convince my mother to stay a little bit longer, before I knew it, it was time for everyone to head back to New York. That is when everything hit me. The peace and the quiet. This was the first time in a long time that I just had time to think. Think about what our life is like now. Think about what our life could have been. It's been a positive, but it has also been a negative. Suddenly, many of the should-haves and could-haves came to haunt me. The realization hit me that I never took the time to grieve. Correction, I never had the opportunity to grieve because I never had the time. I was faced with feelings that I had not felt before and I did not know how to process them.
People often tell me that I am strong and courageous. But am I, really? I don't feel strong and courageous when I get mad at Sam for not being here anymore. I don't feel strong and courageous when my fuse is short with Owen and I yell at him. I don't feel strong and courageous when I let the laundry pile up because I am too tired to bother folding it and putting it away. I don't feel strong and courageous when I just let the dogs out in the yard instead of taking them for a walk. I don't feel strong and courageous when I get a sick feeling in my stomach when something at work or on TV brings me back to Sam's last few days in the hospital.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that it has been 3 years. There are some days that feel like a lifetime and other days where I feel like it was just yesterday. Some days when the feelings are raw and other days where I feel as though I am numb. I am forever grateful that I have an amazing little boy who keeps me grounded and reminds me of how magical life can be. Because of Sam and Owen, I have learned that love never dies.
