April 9, 2009

Dear Cystic Fibrosis:

I am writing on behalf of your landlord, Sam B. You have been residing in Sam's lungs for 24.5 years. During this time, you have caused many disturbances, including, but not limited to, coughing fits, lung infections, weight loss, anger, sadness, frustration, and hospitalizations - just to name a few. Not only that, but you are also very time consuming. Sam spends about 3 hours a day trying to clean up after you by doing treatments, using his vest, and trying to cough you out. Plus, usually the tenant pays the landlord to live there, although based on credit card bills and check book balances, we are somehow being charged an arm and a leg - and a set of lungs. But it seems as though you have not gotten the message. I don't know if you have gotten angrier over time because Sam has defeated you so far and beat the odds that were handed to him when he was 4 months old. Are you angry that he graduated from college and Grad school, has passed 2 parts of the CPA exam, and has gotten engaged? And you are not only disturbing him, you are disturbing the neighbors as well. It appears as though Mr. Pancreas is not happy about this whole arrangement, and frankly, neither am I. Your all nite parties in Sam's lungs cause such a ruckus, that they wake me up and cause me to worry. I don't think you understand what you are doing to him, to me, and to everyone that loves Sam. There are way too many people that love and care about Sam, so I am asking you nicely to please go away. And if you can't go away, just don't be so harsh on him. He does not deserve this - no one deserves this.

Please consider this to be your formal notice in writing. You are hereby notified to vacate the premises (Sam's lungs) within thirty (30) days of the delivery of this notice to you. Your lease was terminated when you caused 2 hospitalizations in 2 months. If you fail to vacate within this period, we will be forced to add more drugs to his already lengthy regimen and possibly add a clinical trial. Just please go away - I am begging you.

Sincerely,
Marisa
Sam's loving fiance, friend, and soul mate.

Sam is unfortunately back in the hospital again and has already been in for 9 days. He does not really feel much better so we are unsure when he will be getting out. It seems as though Easter will be spent in the hospital as well. I am just so sad, angry and frustrated and I feel so helpless that I cannot fix this. It really is breaking my heart. Usually when Sam goes in the hospital, I get upset, but I am able to accomplish my every day tasks. For some reason, this hospitalization has hit me very hard and I am finding it difficult to do simple things like dishes, laundry, making meals........you name it and I don't want to do it. I am just feeling very lonely - not sure if this is because we are engaged now - but I loved him just as much before. Everyone has been so supportive and I really do appreciate it. Well, everyone except for this one idiot who asked me how Sam was doing and when I told him he was in the hospital and I was having trouble coping with it, he told me that by being with Sam, I am doing this to myself. I did not know what to say and it physically made my heart hurt. I responded that I could not help who I fell in love with and that I was not going to not marry Sam just because he had cystic fibrosis. That would not be fair to Sam or myself. But this idiot was young.....probably about 20. He will learn with time. I know he was probably saying it for the shock value. And I was shocked........shocked at his stupidity.

Right now, there is no cure for cystic fibrosis. But that does not stop me from having hope and a dream. Every time I have a dream about Sam, he does not have cystic fibrosis. Everyday, I wish on stars that there will be a cure and I pray that one day, there will at least be a control. I anxiously await a phone call saying that some kind of control or cure has been discovered. Sam deserves that much at least.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. - Christopher Reeve

Dear Matthew, I like you alot.

Thanks to being in nursing school, I have now had my pants scared off about what can happen if I don't take care of myself. And like most nursing students, I leave class thinking that I actually have every disease and disorder that we discussed that day. That is on top of the ones that I have already been diagnosed with by my doctor. Because of this, I have finally decided to become a little healthier. I disposed of all of my old, expired vitamins and purchased new chewable multivitamins and chewable calcium. I would like to say that the reason why I have not been taking my vitamins is because I have to swallow them, but deep down inside, I know that laziness is the real reason. I can't even blame it on a busy schedule because, honestly, how long does it take to swallow a pill? Well, it actually did take me 5 minutes to swallow a pill one time because I kept gagging on it.

On to the exercise. I work in a gym for Pete's sake. I get a free stinkin membership!!!! The only thing missing is someone physically carrying me to the gym kicking and screaming. I can't use the excuse that it costs too much. I can't say that I don't have 30 minutes in the day to get my tushie on a treadmill or an elliptical machine. Again, laziness. I have no other tangible excuse. Oh, but there is the small fact that I run like Phoebe Buffay and seeing me in workout clothes is like looking at a pipe-cleaner in yoga pants.

Since I have changed my status on Facebook to "engaged to Sam Byram", I have been getting the most charming little ads on the side of my screen that tell me tips on how to lose weight so I can squeeze into the dress of my dreams. I hate to break it to them, but the dress of my dreams will probably have to be taken in 4 sizes. Again, this is my own fault. I find things like eating, drinking water, and peeing to be a waste of time. I have vowed to eat more everyday. But I think I might have gone a little overboard today. I went to Kroger where they had Quaker Quakes Rice Cakes for 10 for $10. So, I bought myself a bag in Kettle Corn flavor. I was looking forward to the sweet yet tinge of salt taste. I live a mile from Kroger. Exactly a mile. I polished off half the bag making my way from my parking spot to the street. I would like to say there was a ton of traffic, but there wasn't. Right after I hit the button on my garage door opener, I stuck my hand into the bag. Crumbs. I ate the entire freaking bag!!!! I looked at the back of the bag and saw that my mile drive munchie is supposed to feed 7 people. SEVEN!!!!!!! I ate 49 mini rice cakes in a mile drive home. Thank goodness they are mostly air. I think that is actually the first ingredient listed on the bag. Air. Yup, it is. I just checked.

I have been reading the book "The Worn Out Woman". It is for the woman whose "life is full but spirit is empty". I have been trying to get my mental health in check, too. Sam is not much a fan of this book, though. Ten minutes after I finished reading a chapter of it last Friday, I changed the message on my cell phone saying that I was taking a mental vacation and that my phone would be shut off until Sunday. Sam made me change the message because he said I sounded like a lunatic in the midst of a nervous breakdown. I don't think he was that far off the mark! Let me clarify, though. My life is full, but my spirit is not empty. I just need something to help it get back on track. I have a whole lot of pent up anger from things that happened too many years ago to even think about, but for some reason, I can't let them go. Which brings me to the title of my blog - something that my mom taught me years and years ago. If you have something to say to someone, write a letter, but don't send it to them. Send it to someone else, like your mom, best friend, sister, etc. This way, you write down what you want to say and get it out of your system and they don't actually get the letter. Well, I have a whole lot of these "Unsent" letters stashed away and there is no need to hold onto old letters that have nothing to do with my current life. We have a garage sale in my neighborhood coming up. Perhaps I can sell them to a woman who has had a bunch of failed relationships in her life so she can send them to one of her old flames.

So, that is my plan. Eat more, exercise more, take vitamins, drink something other than coffee and soda, drink water, enhance my spirit, and rid my life of unnecessary anger, regret, envy, and sadness.

"Dear Jonathan I liked you too much. I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time. I used to say the more tragic the better. The truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday." - Alanis Morissette

What the HELL?!?!?!?!

When Sam asked me to marry him, that was my response to him. And I quote - "What the HELL!?!?!?!?!". I really had no clue that it was going to happen that day. Many people have been asking me to recount that day. So, to make it easier, I am putting it in my blog.

On Saturday, March 7, I had just gotten home from my 12 hour clinicals at Emory when my dad called. He asked if Sam and I would want to go to dinner on Sunday nite to Provino's. This is really not out of the ordinary because at least once a week, my dad comes over or I go to his house and these visits often revolve around food. I agreed that we would meet him at Provino's between 4:45 and 5 pm. I mozied on down the stairs and told Sam that my dad invited us to dinner and Sam started to huff and puff that Sunday is his only day off and yadda, yadda, yadda. He finally agreed to go. Meanwhile, he was the one who asked my dad to invite us out to dinner in the first place! On Sunday, Sam, his mother and myself piled into Sam's car and we headed to the restaurant. We sat down and ordered our food and the meal progressed as normal with Sam eating way too many garlic rolls - so many, that you can usually smell the garlic seeping out of his pores a month later. At the end of the meal, Sam said that he had to go to the bathroom. About 2 minutes after he got up, the waitstaff came over with an ice cream sundae and started singing Happy Birthday to me. Well, my birthday is in December, so I was beyond baffled. I assumed that it was my dad's doing because nothing makes him happier than embarrassing people in public whether or not there is a birthday to be celebrated! I just sat there with a puzzled look on my face while glaring at my dad. When they were done humiliating me by singing for my non-existent birthday, Sam popped out from around the corner and tapped me on the shoulder and said,"Hey" in a Kermit the Frog-ish voice. When I turned around, he got down on one knee and I just said,"What the HELL!?!?!?!?!". I put my head in my hands and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. The funny part is that all of Sam's friends asked if I was going to cry and he told them I wouldn't because I am not the crying type. He gave me a lovely little speech that I did not really hear a word of because I was sobbing and then he put the ring on my finger. I love it. It is beautiful. It is more than I could have ever dreamed of. Sam did such a great job planning and implementing that day. Can you tell that I am in nursing school with my planning and implementing vocabulary???? I will never ever forget the feeling that I had at that moment. Not many things are really a true, genuine surprise. I was shocked!

While I do love my ring, I love even more the person that gave it to me and what it means. Before I met Sam, I had several bad relationships that often left me feeling as though I would never find my other half. I fell in love with Sam before we even started dating. He treated me and spoke to me in a way that no one has ever done before. I kind of knew that he would make a great "other half" right from the beginning!

On to the wedding planning. We are thinking Fall 2010 in New York, perhaps. I spent a whopping 10 minutes online looking at a wedding website when I my head started to spin and I went in to full panic mode! There is so much stuff that goes into wedding planning! You have your date, the venue, the menu, the bride's dress, the wedding party's dresses, the colors, the invites, the save-the-dates, the thank you cards, the photographer, the dj, the favors, the shoes, the hair, the makeup, the underwear, the honeymoon. And most importantly, the money!!!! I am still waiting for the wedding fairy to come and drop off a filled out wedding planner and a stack of bridal magazines. She hasn't made it here yet. I wonder what's keeping her???

"I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever." - Amy Tan

So, I started a new job a few weeks ago. It is at a gym. It is pretty mindless, so it is just what I need right now. I basically check people in, answer the phone, and make smoothies. Doesn't seem that complicated, right? For some reason, last week, I really did not think that I was competent enough to do this job. I called my mom in tears last week - almost to the point of hyperventilation - because I really thought that I was an idiot. It seemed as though the first statement out of everyone's mouth to me that day while I was working was, "Just to let you know, in the future, fill in the blank." Basically, everything I did that day was incorrect. Apparently, I don't know how to answer a phone correctly. After you thank people for calling the gym and then identify yourself, no matter what the question is, you are supposed to ask them if they are a member. Ex. Caller: What time is the step class being offered today? Me: Are you a member? or Caller: Do you have showers at your facility? Me: Are you a member? And if they say no, I am not supposed to answer their question - I am supposed to take down their name and their phone number and transfer them to my manager so they can try to sell them a membership. I don't work well that way. I want to answer the question and then ask if they are a member. I would be really ticked off if I called somewhere just to get a stinkin answer about something and I was transferred to about 1o different people just to find out if toilet stall number 2 has toilet paper in it. And then when people call wanting to cancel, I try to follow protocol, which changes about 8 times during every shift, no one wants to separate themselves from the little social circle that they have going on so I am constantly just taking messages. And of course no one will actually call the people back so the people that answer the phones are always getting yelled at by patrons. Honestly, I would want to cancel, too. Someone called the other day to ask to have a copy of their agreement faxed to them. I don't have access to the agreements, so I gave the message to someone who does. He proceeded to tell me that he was not going to fax her a copy of it and she would have to call back again to ask for it. Some of the people there are really, really lazy! The poor operations manager is there for 13 hours a day 7 days a week because apparently everything falls under his position. Then there is my nemesis - the smoothie machine. And why would it decide to work on the day that everything else was going wrong? My manager is up at the desk and someone comes up to ask for a smoothie. Of course, I jump on it because I wanted to actually do something right in front of her. Little did I know, we were all out of the flavor that the person wanted. So I prepare the mixture and put it in the machine to be blended. I hit all the buttons and notice that when the juice is supposed to be coming out, it is all water. I hit a few more buttons and hit blend and it literally explodes all over the place. I then realize that there is no more triple berry syrup crap under the machine, so I ask if he wants a different flavor. He tells me strawberry, so I give that one a whirl. Well, I put the blender cover with the closed lid on it instead of the one with the hole in it. When I hit the buttons and the liquid starts to pour out, it goes all over the place and then the blender kicks in. Now I have an even bigger mess. I swear I want to wear a t-shirt that says - "I really am smart. I can administer high alert drugs. Can you????" Then to make my day even better, there was a stuffy artsy fartsy man and his wife who are in their 60's who came in and he decided to check himself in as I was doing something else on the computer. I told him that I needed to rescan his card and he looked at my manager and said, "Ugh, it is so hard to train people right these days!" Needless to say, I no longer greet him. I swipe his card and don't say anything. I am too old for this crap and I am too old to feel badly about myself because of someone else's actions. I think part of the problem is that I am too nice and too soft spoken. When I am in NY, I never feel like I am not good enough, not pretty enough, or not smart enough. But for some reason, I always feel like that when I am in GA. Well, enough is enough. Take your nasty attitude and your triple berry crap smoothie and shove it where the sun doesn't shine!!!!

On a much happier note, Sam's lung functions are going up!!!! Yippee!!!! He is feeling better and looking better. He just needs to gain a little more weight. But then again, being that it is busy season, he has been eating at work. Once busy season is over, I will be fattening him up with eggplant, sausage, and pasta!

"You can't please everyone and you can't make everyone like you." Katie Couric

Taking the bully by the horns.

Imagine calling up a radio talk show host to get her "professional" insight on a situation and you end up being called a "shack up honey" and an "unpaid whore". This afternoon, I went to assist my dad with some errands and, on my way back home, I could not find anything good on the radio, so I turned on some Sirius radio. As I was flipping through, I came across Dr. Laura Schlessinger's show. I thought I would go ahead and take a listen. I figured that I could always use some entertainment and, who knows, I might learn something. Let me tell you - this woman is a radio bully! This woman called up to discuss an argument that she was having with her boyfriend and made the statement that "he still comes home every nite..." Well, she did not get one more word out after that. Dr. Laura cut her off and said, "Let me get this straight - you are not married to this man, but you are living with him? You are shacking up? I would not even be concerned about the argument you had. You are a shack up honey and an unpaid whore. Why don't you talk about that with him tonite!" And then she hung up on the woman. This poor lady called Dr. Laura looking for advice and all she got was a verbal beatdown! I felt so sorry for her, I just wanted to send her a hug thru the radio.

Ok, that was rant number one. On to the next. I love going to the grocery store. I am always in a great mood when I go. I especially love to look at all the fruits and vegetables. I don't know what it is, but I just love it. Today, I had my grocery shopping spirit shattered. I pull into the parking lot and park. As I am grabbing my list, I notice that there are 4 males walking in between my car and the car that was parked facing mine. I am about to get out of my car and I notice that Sam text messages me, so I called him instead of text messaging him back. While I am on the phone with him, I hear people screaming, so I look up. These people were actually yelling at me. Poor Sam just kept on talking and I am in awe as these 4 high school boys rolled down their windows and started calling me a "dumb white 8itch" and a "f&(*ing white ho". Plus, they were pointing and laughing at me! And I know they were in high school because they had on t-shirts from their school and they were obviously driving Daddy's SUV). The worst part was, they thought this was funny and ok! Sam just kept talking and I had to ask him to repeat himself 2 times. I was really enraged. I was tempted to go into Kroger to see if they had video tapes with their customers on it. But then I thought - um, ok, when I see who they are, what would I actually do? Call the police and say that some high school kids bullied me? Instead, I wandered to the deli counter and ordered my 1/2 pound of hard salami. Then, I mozied on over to the fruits and vegetables and felt better.

Today must have been the day for yelling at people in grocery store parking lots. Sam does not like the milk from Kroger. He says it "tastes funny". I am not really sure what that is about, but whatever. After Kroger, I went to Publix in order to get the Sam-approved milk. I buy the milk and, as I am walking to my car, there is a girl who is hanging out of her mother's parked car yelling, "I worked so freaking hard to get all of my homework done today and now you are ruining my nite, you 8itch!" And this is how the high schooler from Wesleyan (a private Christian Academy) spoke to her mother. She then proceeded to slam the car door and pound her feet on the interior of her mother's Mercedes as her mother went into the grocery store. I could not help but think about my own bullying in the Kroger parking lot and thought that there must be something in the air with high schoolers and grocery parking lots today. Luckily, my bully was not in my car with banging feet on the dashboard.

Now, onto the good stuff. Sam is home from the hospital after being in for 2 weeks at the end of January. There is some crud growing in his lungs so his doctor gave him a prescription. Hopefully, that will get rid of it. He spoke at Emory today. He speaks to the nursing program there every semester about what it is like to have CF. He may seem shy at first, but he loves to talk about himself and have all the attention on him. He is a nifty little speaker!

I started my second semester of school in mid-January. It was very scary at first, but I am getting thru it. I am doing my clinicals on a CF floor. I don't know about you, but I think that is pretty stininking ironic. And I have a new job! WooHoo for the new job!

"Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself." Lucille Ball

I would have been better off rocking an I LOVE NY t-shirt!

Since when did I become a tourist in my own home town??? Someone literally should have just handed me a camera, fanny pack, and an I LOVE NY t-shirt because it wouldn't have even come close to screaming tourist as loudly as my actions did when I was home!

I had to make a trip to NY for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation in mid-December. I NEVER pass up the chance to go home. Not just because it is home, but because it is NY - the coolest place ever. I should have realized that I needed to review my NY savvy when I had to take out the subway map in order to figure out what trains to take to get to Grand Central Station ~ a place that I used to work . So, once my mom made the list of buses and subways for me to take (thanks, mommy!), I was on my merry way.

I had to dress business casual and I figured that, because I was in NY, I definitely had to keep up with the clothing. I would be traveling through the city via subway, you know. Unfortunately, that also meant that I would have to wear heels. And most of you that know me well know that I will take my comfy New Balance sneakers over heels any day. To my surprise, I was the only one on the subway rocking the "business attire with sneakers" look. Flash back to Jane Fonda in 1980's Nine to Five movie. Apparently, my December 21st birthday is not the only thing I share with Ms. Fonda. We share fashion sense. The saddest part about the whole situation was that, even with my sneakers on, I was still being outrun by the fashionistas in their 10 inch stilettos!

I also did not receive the IPOD memo. It appears as though the right to passage to get on a NY subway is that your ears must be adorned with the ear buds of an IPOD. I really wish I would have gotten that memo because I would not have had to listen to the man playing Silent Nite, Jingle Bells, and I Have a Little Dreidel on the Melodica for 30 minutes. My favorite part of the ride was when we got stuck on the 6 train in the tunnel for 25 of those Melodica blasting minutes. Then, when the doors would open, there would be someone playing the steel drums so it would be a duel between the Melodica and the steel drums. Plus, when you are the only person on the train not wearing ear buds, guess who the Melodica player wants to talk to in between sets?

When I get to Grand Central Station, I just kind of stood there, in the middle of the walkway wondering where the heck the stinkin Metro North was. How was it that I worked there but had never seen the Metro North??? When I got up to the counter, I purchased my ticket and asked the ticket lady if I would have to switch trains in order to get to my destination. She oh-so-politely replied, "Not if you get on the right train." Well, thanks lady. That helps me a whole lot. She really ticked me off because she is the kind of person that gives New Yorkers a bad name. As I am looking at my ticket, there are about 6 different numbers on it. None of them being a departing time or a track number. I wait on line to ask the man at the other booth what the numbers on my ticket mean when 3 people who were foreign just step right in front of me and start asking the man a million questions in very broken English. Is waiting on line not a universal thing??? I thought the smile and waiting on line were the only things that were universal??? They step away from the booth just in time for me to find out that my train had just left and it would be 45 minutes before the next one left.

I finally get to my destination in one piece (after asking the conductor about 20 times if I was on the correct train), change into my heels while in the cab from the train station to the office, train some people how to use the computer system, and get back to the train station. I wait for the train to get there and then ask about 20 different people if this train went to Grand Central Station. It was at that point when I was on Metro North heading back to GCS that I realized that I was missing yet another element. A fancy schmancy phone. I looked around and everyone was bopping their heads to their IPODs and checking their facebook pages. And there I sat with my pink Razr phone in my pocket, New Balance sneakers on my feet, and Woman's Day magazine in hand. That is when the song "Which of these things is not like the other" from Sesame Street started to play loud enough in my head that the woman next to me with the IPOD, fancy phone, and Manolo Blahnik's could hear it.

Once I made my way back to common ground - Grand Central Station - I realized that I had one more problem. There were a whole lot more people going in the opposite direction that I was going. It kind of looked like a video going in fast forward, but this was the actual pace that these people were going. When it came time for me to go through the turnstile, I panicked. Plus, it did not help that someone was playing Led Zeppelin on the violin. It made it seem like people were moving a whole lot faster than they really were. I was going to be polite and wait until there was a gap in the people headed out through the turnstile, but 3/4 of the way through "Whole Lotta Love", I realized I was being very unrealistic. So, I put my big girl pants on, stepped up to the turnstile, and told the person that was getting ready to mow me down, "No, you just need to wait!" I felt like I had suddenly morphed into my mother. That was one of my proudest moments that day.

Needless to say, I made it home 2 hours later in one piece, but freezing cold. On my trip home for Christmas, I went into the city twice and I was much more savvy. Julie took me out for my birthday and I was able to meet her in one piece donning my IPOD. I wore my Uggs because it was really icy out. Julie had heels on. She is such a show off :-) Then, I met Julie, Yasmine, and Kathleen along with their significant others another evening. I made it there in one piece as well. This time I showed up with, not only my IPOD, but heels as well!

So the next time you are on the subway and you hear Dolly Parton's voice singing "Nine to five, what a way to make a living" chances are, it is not the person's IPOD next to you. It means that somewhere in a nearby subway station, Marisa is strutting her stuff!

A star shines bright on Christmas day.....

And, oh, what a bright shining star she is! On Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, at 1:35 a.m., my family received a phone call that my Grams passed away. She was not just any Grams. I grew up with her living in the same house as me. Whenever I would go home to NY, I would look forward to spending time with her - just sitting at the kitchen table and chatting. I have never had to deal with the death of anyone that close to me before. There are lots of aches and pains that go along with it. This whole thing still has not hit me fully yet. I was lucky enough to choke out a few words at my Grams's funeral. Here they are:

"When most people think of a grandmother, they think of a little old lady sitting in a rocking chair knitting. My Grams might have been tiny in size, but with her red lipstick and nail polish and a Vogue magazine always close at hand, she was anything but typical. She was gorgeous on the outside and stunning on the inside. For nearly 30 years, I have been lucky enough to live in the same house as my grandparents. During that time, I have made many fond memories with my Grams. We spent many summers in Mattituck - lounging on the beach in straw hats, floating in the waves, and having barbecues on the front patio. In the morning, my sister and I would always argue over who would crawl into bed with Grandma. But Grams would always make sure there was enough room in her twin bed for both of us to squeeze in there with her.

As I matured, so did my relationship with my Grams. She always loved hearing stories about school, work, and my social life. But most importantly, she wanted to know what clothes, makeup, and jewelry I was wearing when I went out. She was always quite the glamour girl. I looked to my Grams for advice about so many thing. She would always tell me everything would be okay. There are some things in life that I have doubted, but my Grandma's love for me was never one of them. I know she loved me, my family, and friends with all of her heart. There are so many things that I will miss about my Grams - her hugs and smile, her voice and laugh. But especially the small things that meant so much. She always made sure to buy me a pound of rainbow cookies every time I came home to visit. As small as it was, that was one of my favorite parts of my trip home. Whenever I would go back to Georgia, she would always tell me that my trip home was not long enough. Today, I would like to tell my Grams that her visit with us was not long enough. Thank you for being such a perfect Grams and for being one of my best friends."

~Grieve not nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you. I loved you so. It was heaven here with you.~

I love you and miss you, Grams!