Tiny Eden

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This, too, shall pass.

It's official. I am out of tears. And thank goodness because I go back to work tomorrow. It still hurts, very badly, but today I ran some errands and I was not glaring at pregnant women and giving nasty looks to women with children. Not that I actually did that. Well, maybe I did it a few times. But it was not obvious. I don't think.

So what now? Sam and I are kind of torn on our next plan of action. There's one of three things we can do. 1. Start looking into adoption and pray that CF does not manage to weasel its ugly head in the middle. 2. Try another round of IVF (I think Sam might be leaning towards this more than I am). 3. Save our pennies and get some nice cars, fix up our house, spoil the dogs, and get a ton of plastic surgery. There are always the illegal options number 4 and 5 which would make a great Lifetime movie. 4. Steal someone else's. 5. Obtain baby via the black market. Obviously we will not be going the 4 or 5 route, but if we did, I just ask that someone attractive plays me. Doesn't need to be a good actress, I would settle with Angie Harmon. I am definitely leaning towards option 1. The side effects of the medications that I was taking were just plain wicked. The shots were painful, I have painful lumps on my rear that I hear will probably never go away, a few pounds were added, although I did appreciate being able to actually fit into a Victoria's Secret bra, and I became really mean. One day, I got into a scuffle with someone that I don't even know via Facebook status postings. Really? Who does that? WHO DOES THAT? A woman who is getting a 1 1/2" 22 gauge needle filled with a very thick progesterone oil in her rump every nite. That's who!

Since I have started writing about my infertility issues and all of the humps and bumps we have hit, I have heard from so many people telling me about their journeys. While I could see how packed my dr's office was every time I went, I had no clue how many people I was connected were fighting the same awful battle we were. One of my sorority sister's even offered to be an egg donor for me. If that is not a selfless act, I don't know what is. My sister offered to do anything she needed to do, just shy of offering me one of her little humans. Little does she know, I would have gladly accepted the offer of either my niece or nephew.

The hardest part of the whole process, besides realizing that I will not be having a baby, has been having to tell people that it did not work. I was supposed to work on Saturday and Sunday, but I did not think it would be the safest choice for me to go to work. I am not sure how my assistant manager was able to understand what I was saying when I called on Friday, but apparently she speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language because she managed to have a 10+ minute conversation with me. I am not sure I even understood what I was saying. I was hoping to go into work on Sunday, but when I called in on Saturday nite and started hysterically crying again, I was reassured that I was making the correct, and safe, decision to not go in on Sunday. Apparently, Lindsey speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language, too.

So how did Sam handle all of this news? He is my rock. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have him in my life. Sam left work early and did what any husband would do. Threw me in the car and said we were going someplace special. And where was this someplace special? The nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. The last time I got a manicure and pedicure was the day before our wedding, so it was about time. $110 later (Sam got a mani/pedi, too), I had great looking hands and toes, but still no baby. I felt a little better though and I appreciated the sympathetic look Sam gave me when the manicurist asked me if anything exciting happened today. Not wanting to start the whole water works process again, I politely answered no. It amazes me just how sweaty and smelly one gets just from crying non-stop. It probably took Sam a lot of time and courage to work up the nerve to physically throw me in the shower on Saturday. Think Pigpen from Peanuts. Then he politely handed me my toothbrush while I was in there and told me that all of that crying and sweating might have made me just a tad bit on the sniffy side.

To get some fresh air, we went to the dog park. It is always relaxing to bring the dogs there to play and run around like lunatics. Especially if your smaller dog is overly possessive and attacks every dog that comes with 25 feet of you. Much of our time was spent apologizing for our 4 legged Jaws. And then we decided to go to the movies - Sam even let me choose the movie - did he really have a choice? So, we went to see the movie every woman should see after a failed IVF attempt. A movie about a woman who juggles her busy work schedule and trying to raise her children. Something I might never have to do. Either way, it was a good movie and Sam was a great sport for going. In retrospect, probably not the best choice of movies, but I got a good laugh.

Little by little, things will get back to normal. This I know. The dogs coats will eventually be dry again - they have been great pillows/tissues. Unfortunately, the dog training went down the tubes this week. So much for them not being allowed on the couch. I mean, it was either them on the couch or me on the floor so they could console me. By the way, if anyone is looking for a good dog trainer, let me know. I highly recommend the trainer we have been using - Sonia from Dog Training in Your Home. Her website is www.betterdog.com She worked with our budget and gave us a huge discount because we rescued our dogs. Sonia comes to our house which I think is a huge benefit because they are trained in the environment they are in the most. You can tell that she really loves the dogs she is working with and has a huge passion for it.

Being that my last 2 blogs have been so blah, I wanted to focus on some of the positives - Sam is still continuing to kick some major tail in tennis, his PFT's went up, and his PICC line was removed today. Yippee! Also, his doctor agreed to write a letter in order to help with the adoption process stating that there is no reason why Sam would not be able to raise a child to adulthood. That is huge in so many ways!

I am also extremely proud of my sister who is in the process of jump starting a business called Sugarbaby Sweets. This is something that we have both been talking about for quite a few years and she actually has the dedication and drive to carry it out. Dana has some great ideas and is extremely creative, so if you are looking for some homemade sweets and treats as party favors or in the market for some pies for Thanksgiving, she is the way to go. Her email is dixiekitty476@aoldotcom (just trying to keep the spammers away - just to clarify it is actually aol.com). I am planning on using my October Happiness Project to kind of get my stuff in order and hopefully get my own little version of a business up and running.

Thanks for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. We will keep everyone updated.

"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pain, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures." ~Joseph Addison

"Avoid being impatient. Remember time brings roses." ~Unknown

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Hello, God. Can you hear me?

"Congratulations, Mrs. Byram! Your progesterone level was perfect and your HCG level was thru the roof. You are pregnant!". Those were the words I had been praying to hear when my phone rang at 1:34 on Friday, September 23. Instead, I heard, "Hello, Marisa? This is Dr. Elsner. Are you at work? Well, I have your results here and they are not good. We really thought it was going to work." After that, I am not really sure what she said. She just kept talking and talking and I just wanted to hang up. I managed to keep my composure for the 3 minute 40 second long phone conversation, but as soon as I hung up, my world crashed. For the past week, I just knew that it was good news. Every 40 minutes to an hour, I was peeing. Never before had I consumed so much water. The low grade fever I had just had to be from the fact that my metabolism sped up in order to compensate for the 1 or 2 new lives that were getting acquainted inside my uterus.

On the morning of September 12, as I was getting off I-85 at North Druid Hills waiting to make the left turn at the lite, I had a conversation with God. I do this all of the time. But this time there was desperation in my voice and I was actually speaking out loud. I thought maybe this would help get my point across a little more thoroughly. God, please don't let my egg transfer be today. It has only been 3 days, so that means that my embryos aren't very strong if they need to go in today. If they do need to go in today, please make sure they are strong enough to survive. I would rather get a phone call saying that none of the embryos survived and that we can't do a transfer at all instead of getting a call 12 days later that I am not pregnant. Please work with me on this.

September 12 was 10 years to the day that I got Cheyenne, so I knew that it had to be a lucky day. Sam and I were in the procedure room waiting for the transfer when I told him that Cheyenne was going to make this happen. The doctor came in and asked if we wanted 1 or 2 embryos transferred and we decided on 2. The thought of us having not just one, but 2 babies was just riveting. My eyes filled with tears as I watched these 2 little microscopic blobs make themselves comfortable. I clutched my St. Gerard medal that I wore around my neck and asked him to make these 2 little embryos strong enough to survive and give them the chance they deserve as well as give Sam and I the chance the parents we have longed to be.

For the next 12 days that followed, I did everything that I was supposed to do. I avoided caffeine, stayed off my feet for long periods of time, ate healthily, took my shots, took my vitamins, drank only water and juice, switched to decaf coffee, you name it, I did it. But mostly, I talked to them. I told them that when they made their arrival into the world, we had a great bedroom for them with a wonderful view of the back yard. I told them that they could be whatever they wanted to be when they got older and that their dad and I would support them. We had not just one, but 2 dogs who were going to give them kisses and play fetch with them. If there was a girl in there, I was going to become the girliest girl around and I was going to dress her in fun, pretty dresses, teach her how to do her makeup, take her shopping and teach her how to find all the good sales. If there was a boy in there, I was going to be "sports mom". I would find out the rules to whatever sport he wanted to play and become good at it. He would be a momma's boy, but he would know how to cook, clean, and do the laundry. He would grow up to learn to be a gentleman and buy a girl flowers before dates, open doors, and say and do all the right things. Whether it was a girl or a boy, they would be a GIANTS fan and their dad would teach them to play tennis. I will always hug them and kiss them before they got out of the car for school even if it was embarrassing because that is what mom's do.

The fact that I won't get to feel a baby kick for the first time, hear a hearbeat or 2 for the first time, get morning sickness, stretch marks, swollen ankles, swollen feet, have people ask when I'm due or if I know if it is a girl or a boy beyond saddens me. For people who say that you aren't missing much have obviously never had trouble conceiving.

The doctor and the company that we used came highly recommended to us by many people. Through out this whole process, I have said that I was less than impressed with them. I never saw the same doctor because my doctor was always out of the country or at a family reunion with every appointment that I had. The nurse was very cold and matter of fact - not that she needed to be warm and fuzzy all of the time, but this is a very scary process so a little bit of compassion would be somewhat appreciated. These are complaints that I have had during this entire process, so I really don't want people to think that I am saying this because I am disgruntled. When we are paying over $20,000 for a procedure that is not guaranteed, the least we could ask for is consistency, kindness, and compassion.

My family, friends, and co-workers have been very supportive. There were people at work who gave up cancellation dates for me, everyone was saying a ton of prayers and sending positive thoughts, and were just genuinely excited. It was not just Sam and myself who were going thru this process, it was everyone that we knew who was going thru it with us. We were not the only ones who were let down by this. Granted, there were some people whose religious beliefs don't agree and it was evident to me the lack of sincerity that was there, but that is all right. That is what makes the world go round. If they were in our shoes, they would probably think differently. Everything changes once you are the person who can't have a child. We know there are other options out there for us. As soon as our hearts heal, we will be looking into those. We are very understanding of the fact that when a child is adopted, you love them just as if they were biologically yours. But I think it is understandable that we will be grieving the fact that we won't have a little being that has Sam's eyes and nose, my feet and sense of humor, I won't physically experience pregnancy, nor will we ever know what we could have created together. My faith is a little shaken at the moment as I think many people's would be.

I know God has a plan for us and that everything happens for a reason, but it is not what we want to hear right now. Please just pray that we get the guidance and strength we need to get thru this. In the meantime, I will be turning my attention back to my Happiness Project in October. This is just the kind of distraction that I need. It will help my heart to heal. Perhaps we will make the adoption process our goal one month. You never know.

"We must accept finite dissapointment, but never lose infinite hope." ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith." ~ St Francis of Assisi