It's official. I am out of tears. And thank goodness because I go back to work tomorrow. It still hurts, very badly, but today I ran some errands and I was not glaring at pregnant women and giving nasty looks to women with children. Not that I actually did that. Well, maybe I did it a few times. But it was not obvious. I don't think.
So what now? Sam and I are kind of torn on our next plan of action. There's one of three things we can do. 1. Start looking into adoption and pray that CF does not manage to weasel its ugly head in the middle. 2. Try another round of IVF (I think Sam might be leaning towards this more than I am). 3. Save our pennies and get some nice cars, fix up our house, spoil the dogs, and get a ton of plastic surgery. There are always the illegal options number 4 and 5 which would make a great Lifetime movie. 4. Steal someone else's. 5. Obtain baby via the black market. Obviously we will not be going the 4 or 5 route, but if we did, I just ask that someone attractive plays me. Doesn't need to be a good actress, I would settle with Angie Harmon. I am definitely leaning towards option 1. The side effects of the medications that I was taking were just plain wicked. The shots were painful, I have painful lumps on my rear that I hear will probably never go away, a few pounds were added, although I did appreciate being able to actually fit into a Victoria's Secret bra, and I became really mean. One day, I got into a scuffle with someone that I don't even know via Facebook status postings. Really? Who does that? WHO DOES THAT? A woman who is getting a 1 1/2" 22 gauge needle filled with a very thick progesterone oil in her rump every nite. That's who!
Since I have started writing about my infertility issues and all of the humps and bumps we have hit, I have heard from so many people telling me about their journeys. While I could see how packed my dr's office was every time I went, I had no clue how many people I was connected were fighting the same awful battle we were. One of my sorority sister's even offered to be an egg donor for me. If that is not a selfless act, I don't know what is. My sister offered to do anything she needed to do, just shy of offering me one of her little humans. Little does she know, I would have gladly accepted the offer of either my niece or nephew.
The hardest part of the whole process, besides realizing that I will not be having a baby, has been having to tell people that it did not work. I was supposed to work on Saturday and Sunday, but I did not think it would be the safest choice for me to go to work. I am not sure how my assistant manager was able to understand what I was saying when I called on Friday, but apparently she speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language because she managed to have a 10+ minute conversation with me. I am not sure I even understood what I was saying. I was hoping to go into work on Sunday, but when I called in on Saturday nite and started hysterically crying again, I was reassured that I was making the correct, and safe, decision to not go in on Sunday. Apparently, Lindsey speaks "Hysterical Marisa" language, too.
So how did Sam handle all of this news? He is my rock. I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have him in my life. Sam left work early and did what any husband would do. Threw me in the car and said we were going someplace special. And where was this someplace special? The nail salon for a manicure and pedicure. The last time I got a manicure and pedicure was the day before our wedding, so it was about time. $110 later (Sam got a mani/pedi, too), I had great looking hands and toes, but still no baby. I felt a little better though and I appreciated the sympathetic look Sam gave me when the manicurist asked me if anything exciting happened today. Not wanting to start the whole water works process again, I politely answered no. It amazes me just how sweaty and smelly one gets just from crying non-stop. It probably took Sam a lot of time and courage to work up the nerve to physically throw me in the shower on Saturday. Think Pigpen from Peanuts. Then he politely handed me my toothbrush while I was in there and told me that all of that crying and sweating might have made me just a tad bit on the sniffy side.
To get some fresh air, we went to the dog park. It is always relaxing to bring the dogs there to play and run around like lunatics. Especially if your smaller dog is overly possessive and attacks every dog that comes with 25 feet of you. Much of our time was spent apologizing for our 4 legged Jaws. And then we decided to go to the movies - Sam even let me choose the movie - did he really have a choice? So, we went to see the movie every woman should see after a failed IVF attempt. A movie about a woman who juggles her busy work schedule and trying to raise her children. Something I might never have to do. Either way, it was a good movie and Sam was a great sport for going. In retrospect, probably not the best choice of movies, but I got a good laugh.
Little by little, things will get back to normal. This I know. The dogs coats will eventually be dry again - they have been great pillows/tissues. Unfortunately, the dog training went down the tubes this week. So much for them not being allowed on the couch. I mean, it was either them on the couch or me on the floor so they could console me. By the way, if anyone is looking for a good dog trainer, let me know. I highly recommend the trainer we have been using - Sonia from Dog Training in Your Home. Her website is www.betterdog.com She worked with our budget and gave us a huge discount because we rescued our dogs. Sonia comes to our house which I think is a huge benefit because they are trained in the environment they are in the most. You can tell that she really loves the dogs she is working with and has a huge passion for it.
Being that my last 2 blogs have been so blah, I wanted to focus on some of the positives - Sam is still continuing to kick some major tail in tennis, his PFT's went up, and his PICC line was removed today. Yippee! Also, his doctor agreed to write a letter in order to help with the adoption process stating that there is no reason why Sam would not be able to raise a child to adulthood. That is huge in so many ways!
I am also extremely proud of my sister who is in the process of jump starting a business called Sugarbaby Sweets. This is something that we have both been talking about for quite a few years and she actually has the dedication and drive to carry it out. Dana has some great ideas and is extremely creative, so if you are looking for some homemade sweets and treats as party favors or in the market for some pies for Thanksgiving, she is the way to go. Her email is dixiekitty476@aoldotcom (just trying to keep the spammers away - just to clarify it is actually aol.com). I am planning on using my October Happiness Project to kind of get my stuff in order and hopefully get my own little version of a business up and running.
Thanks for all of the kind words, thoughts, and prayers. We will keep everyone updated.
"Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pain, losses, and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures." ~Joseph Addison
"Avoid being impatient. Remember time brings roses." ~Unknown