As always, things are crazy, including me. In the past, I have had some issues with anxiety and right now it appears to be rearing its ugly head. I hate driving and the anxiety has gotten worse. It is holding me back from doing all of the normal things that people my age do, including having a social life. I have anxiety at work, which I guess is normal. Being that I am responsible for carrying out acts that could cause potentially harmful effects, most people would probably have anxiety. There is also anxiety about our house, what needs to be done to it, is it clean enough, will we ever be able to make all of the changes that we need to. Anxiety over money - are we spending wisely, are we budgeting correctly, do we have enough to do the repairs that we are hoping to do. Adoption anxiety is another anxiety that I have. When will I know that we are ready to adopt, what if we don't bond with the baby we are given, or if the mom bonds with the baby and we end up not getting it? What if when we do get a baby, it cries all of the time non-stop and I never get to sleep again? What if we end up not being able to afford to adopt? Am I going to be a doggy mommy for the rest of my life? Why don't I feel like I am ready to adopt now? I am 33 - isn't it about time that I became a mother? Then there is the whole cystic fibrosis thing. I cannot even begin to talk about the anxiety that causes. Is there something in the house that is making Sam sicker? Is the house clean enough? Will Sam lose his job from having to be in the hospital? Obviously I have other much more serious anxieties about Sam and his cystic fibrosis, but I don't really want to get into that now. Now, I know everyone suffers from anxiety. I just have a tendency to really harp on mine and to let it get the best of me.
Poor Sam has been in the hospital now for about a week and a half. His diagnosis, besides the CF? A previously undiagnosed broken rib. The poor guy had it for over a month before they were able to figure it out. It didn't show up on his chest x-ray and it was overlooked by several doctors because they were all looking at his lungs thinking something was wrong with those. So, after being in the hospital for 5 days having an epidural, and still no relief, they noticed the rib. Apparently, there were 3 others that have already healed on the right side. This broken one is on the left. Right now, he is still attached to a PCA pump and the morphine seems to be doing the trick. Not sure how long he will be in there for, but hopefully he will be home with the dogs and myself soon.
I cannot even begin to tell you how annoyed I am with myself. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning? Look at my e-mail and Facebook on my iPhone. Throughout the day, I cannot even tell you how many times I look at it. On my days off, I waste hours on end on the internet looking at Facebook, checking e-mails, pinning things on Pinterest, researching new projects for me to start, etc. Who am I kidding? I waste so much time on the internet, how am I going to have the time to start new projects. Plus, in the past few weeks, it has gotten worse. We now have DVR. What was I thinking? Yet another way for me to waste time. When we got it, my thoughts were that I could record the things that I like to watch and then watch them when it is convenient. In turn, that ended me DVR-ing everything and then spending any time that I am not on the internet, catching up on my tv shows. I know what you are thinking. In the first paragraph, you said you have all of this anxiety about what needs to be done around the house, but yet you are wasting all your time on the internet. That is where my issue comes in. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with everything that I have to do, I go into "shut-down mode". I miss the days of no cell phones. I feel like it is constantly ringing, dinging, or vibrating. Sometimes I just don't want to be found. I don't want to talk, I don't want to text. But since the cell phone came about, it is considered rude to not answer the phone or text back right away. I don't like having access to the internet and my e-mail all of the time. Sam has a dinosaur of a phone and sometimes I am very envious. It makes phone calls and he can text. That is it. I feel like if I don't answer my phone or reply to a text, I have to give them a reason - ie. sorry, my phone was on silent, I didn't hear my phone, I was in another room and I didn't hear it, I was in the shower, I was in the bathroom, etc. How about I just didn't feel like talking. And God forbid you turn your phone off. My mom always used to tell me how much she hated cell phones because she didn't want to be accessible 24/7. I used to think she was being ridiculous. Now I understand where she is coming from. When I was younger, I used to have hobbies and do things that were enjoyable. Thanks to technology and my lack of self control, I waste way too much time. One of the things I want to work on this year is having a little more discipline when it comes to time management and just because the phone rings, dings, or vibrates, it does not mean that I need to answer it regardless of who it is.
That pretty much sums up what has been going on. If you call, and I don't answer, please do not be offended. I am just weaning myself from the ridiculous amount of technology that I have become way too dependent on. Off I go to spend some quality times with the pups and get some cleaning done before I have to go to work tomorrow!
"If you don't fill your days with love, you are wasting your life." ~James Broughton
"Life is not a spectator sport. If you're going to spend your whole life in the grandstand just watching what goes on, in my opinion you're wasting your life." ~Jackie Robinson