"I am fine." "We are good." "We are getting along." "We are adjusting." This is what I say to everyone. Everyone. No exceptions. Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances, everyone. I even told that to the chaplain. And you know what? It is a lie. A complete and absolute lie. I keep a journal that I write in just about every nite. It is to Sam. I write him letters. The other nite, I didn't write in it because I was angry with him. Actually, two nites went by that I didn't write in it. I was angry because he left me. He left me with a broken heart. And I am having to lie to people to tell them I am ok. The truth is, that if I tell people the truth, I will cry. I hate crying. I hate crying alone and I especially hate crying in front of anyone. I am afraid that if I start, I won't be able to stop. I know that I won't be able to stop. It happened the other nite and it happened today. The other nite, I got home from work after lying to the chaplain and I started to cry. Standing in the shower for an hour. Until the water got cold. So cold I couldn't even feel it anymore. Just crying by myself. It is the first time I have really, really just cried and I couldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried, the tears just kept flowing. I couldn't even be honest with someone whose job it is to listen to me and offer comfort. I don't know why I feel like I need to be so strong and hold it together. Perhaps I am afraid that people will think I can't handle my job anymore. Perhaps I fear that people will not want to talk to me anymore if I just focus on how sad I am. People keep telling me how strong and courageous I am so I guess I feel like I need to act that way. I don't want to be known as the girl who falls to pieces at the drop of a hat. I don't want to be the girl who only talks about how her husband passed away.
Today, I had an interview. But I watched Sam's video as soon as I got the link for it, which was shortly before my interview. This was the first time I had heard Sam's voice since November 13th at 5:20 pm. It was the first time I heard his interview. He was so real. He was right there. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and have him tell me he was going to stay right here and that he wasn't going anywhere. But that didn't happen. Instead, after 22 minutes, the music stopped and the screen went blank. I wanted to scream for him to come back. I could not stop crying. I cried when I was getting ready. I cried in the car on the way there. I cried in the parking deck. And when I cry, I sweat. Profusely. So I had to go to the gift shop to buy some deodorant. I almost wanted to call to cancel, but I knew how disappointed Sam would be if I canceled. So I didn't.
I can't sleep at nite without the tv on. I tried to sleep with it off the other nite, but I am haunted by sounds and visions that no one should ever be haunted by. Thoughts of what I could have done differently to try to save Sam. Memories of fights we had and hurtful things I had said. Sam always told me that he was afraid that if he passed away, I would just spend all of my time crying - I made a promise to him that I would not do that. I have tried really hard to not do that and have succeeded thus far. But I don't know how much longer I can do that.
I know there will always be pain, but I hope that it gets better as time goes on. Eventually, I hope I will be comfortable enough to cry if I feel like crying. Right now is just a very sad and confusing time. There isn't a handbook for grief and there are not many people I know who are in my same situation. I am trying the best I know how and that is all I can do.
"But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I'll be ok
But I'm not going to ever get over you"